Last week I was on the phone with a friend when she mentioned a compliment she’d received from someone she hadn’t seen in a very long time. What caught her off guard wasn’t the words. It was the seconds of silence that followed. She had no idea what to say.
I’ve been there. And after reading a 2026 study on exactly this, I’ve started paying closer attention to those three seconds after someone tells me I did something well, or that something I own or made actually looks good. Turns out, most of us have a script we’ve been running for years. And it might be quietly costing us.
The answer you’ve been giving
Some of us learned, somewhere between childhood and the first office holiday party, that being modest means not letting on we’re pleased with ourselves. So when praise lands, the reflex kicks in:
- “Oh, it was nothing.”
- “I just got lucky.”
- “This old thing?”
- “No, I actually look terrible today.”
It feels safe. It feels humble. And I’ll admit, for a long time I thought that was the polite thing to do.
What the research actually found
In July 2026, Emily Prinsloo of Rice University and Alice Moon of Georgetown University published a paper examining how people react when someone accepts a compliment versus deflecting it. The research included four preregistered studies with 2,056 adults, both online and in the lab.
The finding that stopped me: people who deflected compliments were consistently rated as less warm, less competent, and less likable than people who simply accepted them. In the fourth study, participants were less likely to choose someone who had deflected a compliment as a future work partner.
That last one is the one I keep coming back to. It’s not just a few seconds of awkwardness in the room. In a professional setting, where I’ve seen plenty of people quietly soften what they say without realizing it, that habit can follow you into who people want to work with next.
Did it make them look more humble?
This was the first question I had when I read the paper. If people give up a little warmth or competence by brushing away praise, maybe they gain something else. The studies didn’t show a consistent advantage there.
Across the four studies, deflecting had mixed effects on perceived humility. Depending on the study, people who deflected were seen as more humble, less humble, or no different from people who accepted the compliment. The results for warmth, competence, and likability were much more consistent: deflectors scored lower.
So “I just got lucky” doesn’t reliably produce the modest impression you may have been aiming for.
Why the other person notices
The researchers also looked at why accepting and deflecting produced different impressions. They found that people giving the compliment saw deflectors as less aligned with the positive view they’d just expressed. The researchers call this lower relational receptivity.
Put yourself on the other side for a second. You tell someone, “You handled that situation really well.” They answer, “No, I didn’t. I was awful.” You now have a slightly unusual interaction on your hands. You said something positive because you meant it, and the other person has immediately contradicted your judgment.
A compliment isn’t only information about the person being praised. It’s also something the giver chose to say. Being responsive to what another person actually says is part of how trust develops between people.
So what do you say instead?
The simplest option is still one of the best:
“Thank you.”
You can make it a little warmer:
“Thank you. I really appreciate that.”
Or acknowledge the effort behind whatever they noticed:
“Thank you. I put a lot of work into it, so I’m glad you liked it.”
If it’s about a skill you’ve been working on:
“Thanks. I’ve been working on that for a while.”
The useful difference is that the second part adds information without cancelling the first. Compare “Thank you. I’ve been practicing a lot” with “Thank you, but honestly I just got lucky.” One accepts the praise and adds context. The other accepts it for a moment and then takes it back.
Is “thank you” actually enough?
Yes. You don’t need to add anything.
But a separate 2026 study tested something people often do after receiving praise: they compliment the other person back. Researchers Xin Zhou, Michelle E. Daniels, and Adriana Samper compared reciprocal compliments with a simple expression of appreciation in four preregistered experiments.
Here’s the interesting part. The people who returned a compliment were viewed more favorably than those who responded only with appreciation. The researchers found that reciprocal compliments signaled rapport.
I liked this finding because giving sincere compliments comes naturally to me. If I notice someone wearing something I genuinely like, or doing something well, I’m happy to tell them. Still, I wouldn’t want every compliment to turn into:
“I like your jacket.”
“Thanks, I like your shoes.”
“Thanks, I like your bag.”
At some point it starts sounding less like a conversation and more like an exchange neither person knows how to end.
Why a compliment back can sound less sincere
Although reciprocal compliments improved overall impressions, they were also perceived as less honest than simple appreciation. That’s easy to recognize in real life. If someone compliments you and you instantly produce a generic compliment in return, they may wonder whether you actually meant it or simply felt obligated to say something nice.
In the experiments, the benefit from greater rapport outweighed that downside overall. So when you genuinely have something complimentary to say, there’s no reason to hold it back simply because they happened to praise you first.
“Thank you. And I really liked the way you explained your idea in the meeting.”
Or: “Thanks! I was actually going to tell you that color looks great on you.”
If nothing sincere comes to mind, you don’t need to manufacture something. “Thank you. That’s really kind of you.” is enough.
How to share credit without rejecting the compliment
This is one of the easiest places to deflect without intending to.
Your manager says, “You did a great job leading this project.” You know how much the rest of the team contributed, so you reply, “I didn’t really do much. The team did everything.” You meant to recognize other people. You also told your manager that their compliment was badly aimed.
You can keep both parts: “Thank you. I’m really proud of what we did. Alex and Maya contributed so much to the final result too.”
Or: “Thank you. It was a real team effort, and I’m very happy with how it turned out.”
You haven’t claimed sole responsibility. You also haven’t erased yourself from the achievement.
The same approach works outside the office. If someone compliments a dinner you made, you can say, “Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it. David helped me with the dessert,” without replying, “Oh, I barely did anything.”
Responding at work
Work compliments can feel harder because praise may be tied to performance, reputation, promotion, or how colleagues see your contribution.
If your boss tells you a report was excellent, “Thank you. I spent quite a bit of time getting the analysis right, so I appreciate that” is confident without turning into self-promotion. If a coworker praises your presentation, keep it even simpler: “Thanks. I’m really glad it was useful.”
If someone praises a team result, acknowledge both your role and theirs: “Thank you. I’m proud of what we pulled together. Everyone put a lot into it.”
This is also where automatic softeners sneak in. People sometimes begin perfectly reasonable responses with “sorry,” “just,” or a disclaimer they didn’t need. In other conversations, keeping the sentence direct makes a real difference in how confident you sound.
What if you don’t agree with the compliment?
You don’t have to suddenly agree with someone else’s assessment of you.
Imagine you finish a presentation and someone says, “That was fantastic.” You’re thinking about the answer you stumbled over, the slide you skipped, and three things you’d change if you could do it again. You don’t have to reply, “Yes, I was fantastic.”
You can say: “Thank you. I really appreciate you saying that.”
Or: “Thank you. I was nervous about it, so I’m glad it came across well.”
Or, if you want to be honest about your own reaction: “Thanks. There are a couple of things I’d change next time, but I’m glad you enjoyed it.”
You’re accepting their reaction without pretending it has to replace your own. I think this was one of the things I had to learn myself. Receiving a compliment doesn’t require proving that the person is objectively correct.
Why do some of us hesitate?
There can be many reasons, and I don’t want to reduce them all to confidence or self-esteem. Maybe the praise is unexpected. Maybe you’re uncomfortable being the center of attention. Maybe you genuinely don’t agree. Maybe you grew up around people who routinely brushed off compliments. Maybe you’re worried that accepting one too readily will sound conceited.
Or, like my friend on the phone, perhaps it’s the person giving the compliment who surprises you. She hadn’t been expecting that kind of comment from someone who hadn’t spoken to her that way before. A couple of seconds of hesitation was a natural reaction.
If you know your automatic reaction is to minimize praise, those few seconds can actually be useful. Instead of rushing into “No, no…” or “It wasn’t really…”, wait long enough to decide what you actually want to say. Quite often, “thank you” will be the whole answer.
When the “compliment” makes you uncomfortable
There are situations where an unwanted personal remark gets disguised in a compliment — and I think anyone has felt that sting. You don’t owe a warm thank-you for a sexual comment, an intrusive observation, manipulative flattery, a backhanded remark, or something inappropriate at work.
You can redirect the conversation: “I’d rather stay with the project.” You can be direct: “I’d rather you didn’t comment on that.” Or you can leave the topic entirely. If the conversation has moved somewhere you don’t want it to go, knowing how to change the subject without being rude makes those moments easier to handle.
A note on culture
Culture, language, age, relationship, and context all affect how people give and receive compliments. A 2026 study published in the Journal of Pragmatics looked at how Chinese young adults evaluated different compliment responses. In that group, accepting responses were generally judged as more appropriate, less conceited, and more likely to leave a good impression than deflecting or rejecting responses.
The researchers also found that people’s judgments varied according to the topic of the compliment and the reasons they believed were behind the response. So treat the wording here as a practical default for everyday interactions, not a script everyone in every culture should follow. A compliment from your best friend, your boss, someone you’ve just met, and a stranger can feel very different even when they use exactly the same words.
The Edit
One line, and I’d build a whole workshop around it: when someone says something nice, receive it before you start explaining it away. Quite often, “thank you” really is enough.
The Daily Edit — If your default reply is a shrug, try “thank you” this week. Count how many times it actually lands.
Quick guide: what to say instead of deflecting
| If you’re about to say… | You could say… |
|---|---|
| “It was nothing.” | “Thank you. I really appreciate that.” |
| “I just got lucky.” | “Thank you. I’ve been working hard on that.” |
| “I didn’t do anything. It was all the team.” | “Thank you. I’m proud of what we did. The team was fantastic.” |
| “No, I look terrible.” | “Thank you. That’s really kind of you.” |
| You feel pressure to return a compliment immediately. | Accept theirs first. Return one when you genuinely have something you want to say. |
FAQ
What is the best way to respond to a compliment?
A simple “thank you” is a good default. You can also add a little context, acknowledge your effort, share credit with someone else, or return a sincere compliment. Try not to follow your thank-you with a sentence that immediately dismisses the praise.
How do you accept a compliment without sounding arrogant?
Accepting a compliment doesn’t require agreeing that you’re extraordinary. “Thank you,” “I appreciate that,” or “I’m glad you liked it” accepts what the other person said without bragging.
Should you compliment someone back after they compliment you?
You can, if you genuinely have something positive to say. A 2026 study found that reciprocal compliments produced more favorable impressions than simple appreciation because they signaled rapport. They were also perceived as somewhat less honest, which is a good reason to avoid a return compliment that feels forced.
What should you say when you don’t agree with a compliment?
You can acknowledge the other person’s reaction without claiming you agree with every word. “Thank you. I appreciate you saying that” is enough. If you want, you can add honest context, such as, “I was nervous about it, so I’m glad it came across well.”
a note from Margot
I’ve spent ten years in editorial rooms where people deflected praise the way other people check their phones. I finally stopped. The quietest compliment response is usually the most confident one.
I spent ten years editing magazine racks. Now I edit your closet.
